“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
You Might Also Like
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Fidel Castro was alive?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
this is uni
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat