“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Personal question. #JustSaying
A man of commitment.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”