Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad