Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

Camel dough

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”