“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
