“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
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It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
never compromise your values
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Story of my life…..
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“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Cat.
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*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.