How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
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Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
So true for me
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*