How can I say no to this ?
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Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…