How can I say no to this ?
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*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that