How can I say no to this ?
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property