How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Practicing safe sax
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton