@BonaFideIntent: I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy's the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

@sgeezy99: I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast :) so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts :) and two Blu-ray players robbed :)

@Derpey: Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend? Cause Sheeran.

@lionprincessval: I can't come into work today *cough* I'm really sick. "Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?" *hangs up*

@JediGigi: To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.