@BonaFideIntent: I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy's the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
@sgeezy99: I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast :) so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts :) and two Blu-ray players robbed :)
@Derpey: Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend?
Cause Sheeran.
@lionprincessval: I can't come into work today *cough* I'm really sick.
"Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?"
*hangs up*
@JediGigi: To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
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