Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
how can med students be sick,like bro just look at your notes
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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
*Cop yells at dog*
LADY WHAT ARE U DOING
*dog continues to give birth*
THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR
*looks directly at camera*
“IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN” I yell while running in the opposite direction.