@floofyginger

how can med students be sick,like bro just look at your notes

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@vanderheydensax

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

@FredTaming

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

@KalvinMacleod

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

@TheNYAMProject

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

@rebrafsim

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

@TheReal_AndyMac

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

@lisaxy424

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

@space0tter

*Cop yells at dog*
LADY WHAT ARE U DOING
*dog continues to give birth*
THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR
*looks directly at camera*
LITTERING

@BackrowSeats

“IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN” I yell while running in the opposite direction.