Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

become ungovernable

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING