How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
