Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.