Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel seen

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit