Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven’t seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?
I think it’s lame how Justin Bieber has millions of Beliebers yet Queen Latifah only has like 8 Beliefahs.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
me: hurt me
her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived
her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends
I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*