How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven’t seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker

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BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.


*coughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes*

*neighbors peek outside*

*shakes my head no and holds up blunt*

*neghbor gives a thumbs up and goes on about their day*


Spider-Man’s a great addition to The Avengers, if they’re looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.


I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky


Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.


Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.


I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing


Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.