My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
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one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Dead sexy!!
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
the battle rages on
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone