How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven’t seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker

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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.


Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?


I think it’s lame how Justin Bieber has millions of Beliebers yet Queen Latifah only has like 8 Beliefahs.


MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.


me: hurt me

her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived

me: n-no…

her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends

me: stop


I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.


[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]



So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”