Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.