How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Thursday
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.