Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem