Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.