Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

Venn

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Pizza is an emotion right?

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.