How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
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For anyone who needs this today
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.