How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
how DARE
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks