How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
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me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
But wait…
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week