Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

I try

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.