How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
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Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*