How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
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What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf