– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
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one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
why isn’t he texting back
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
