– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
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I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds