How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
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i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box