How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
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You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.