How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I’m having an out of money experience.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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