How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
definitely did not do anything wrong
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?