How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
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me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
