Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.