How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
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I created you as mosquito food.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what