How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10