How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
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My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My dating profile:
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