How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I love twitter
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
The Struggle
