Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.