How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?

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Star Wars spoke to me because I’d rather join a cult than do farm chores.


I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…


If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.


You guys, we have to clean this up before Jesus gets back.


Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.


[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*


I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too


4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.


If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.


It’s now socially acceptable to play Cards Against Humanity with your 8 year old.