@wife3kidsnodogs

How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?

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@ozzyunc

Star Wars spoke to me because I’d rather join a cult than do farm chores.

@TheBoydP

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

@noog

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

@ozzyunc

You guys, we have to clean this up before Jesus gets back.

@DevilryFun

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

@isabelzawtun

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

@EverydayGirlDad

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

@NYC_Blonde

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

@impaulmccoy

It’s now socially acceptable to play Cards Against Humanity with your 8 year old.