Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
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On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.