Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.