Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting