Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

respect

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking