How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
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I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next