How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
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My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.