How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
You Might Also Like
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I hate when that happens.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
could’ve been anyone
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today