How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I put the mess in domestic.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?