Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.