Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

You don’t even know

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.