How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
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[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Pizza is an emotion right?
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna