how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
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fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
my sentiments exactly
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.