Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”