How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit