How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
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Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
