how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
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people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*