Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

My dream job is getting paid to dream

I have so many questions.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

Morning my dudes.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.