How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.