How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.