How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I came this close!!!!
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
