I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
School be like
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉