How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
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Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
the red hot silly peppers
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’