Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.