How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
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Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!