@KielyHealey

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

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@CherBear162

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

@RobElliottComic

Uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh huh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh huh

Me, Rap battling

@bornmiserable

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

@awhalefact

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

@0v3rthOught

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

@Rockenden

My yard is full of bear traps cos I’m a bit weird about sharing milkshake.

@LiquidFaerie

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

@i_zzzzzz

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”