How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I can fix him.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news