How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.