How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom