How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

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me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog


I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.



Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”


Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.


It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.


Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.


[on phone with mom]
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up


I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.