Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”