Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

this article brought to you by lions

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.