Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

some Old Testament wisdom

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

😭😭

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.