Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

The A string on my guit_r is flat

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.